1 00:00:09,467 --> 00:00:10,927 Life--it's literally all we have. 2 00:00:11,033 --> 00:00:12,333 But is it any good? 3 00:00:12,433 --> 00:00:14,203 I'm a reviewer, but I don't review 4 00:00:14,300 --> 00:00:15,930 food, books, or movies. 5 00:00:16,033 --> 00:00:17,903 I review life itself. 6 00:00:18,000 --> 00:00:20,500 [screams] 7 00:00:20,600 --> 00:00:21,700 [triumphant music] 8 00:00:21,800 --> 00:00:24,400 [parrot squawks] 9 00:00:24,500 --> 00:00:26,930 * 10 00:00:27,033 --> 00:00:28,173 Over here. 11 00:00:28,267 --> 00:00:32,197 * 12 00:00:33,833 --> 00:00:36,003 Welcome to Review. Hello to you all. 13 00:00:36,100 --> 00:00:38,100 And please, say "hello" to A.J. Gibbs. 14 00:00:38,200 --> 00:00:40,400 Hi, Forrest. You look ready for a review. 15 00:00:40,500 --> 00:00:42,670 And you look ready to proffer one to me. 16 00:00:42,767 --> 00:00:44,367 Ew. 17 00:00:44,467 --> 00:00:47,167 Theo from Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. 18 00:00:47,267 --> 00:00:49,327 - Hmm. - Hi, Forrest. 19 00:00:49,433 --> 00:00:50,733 I've recently saved up enough money 20 00:00:50,833 --> 00:00:53,003 to open up my own CrossFit gym. 21 00:00:53,100 --> 00:00:55,830 So what's it like to be a cult leader? 22 00:00:55,933 --> 00:00:59,403 What's it like to be a cult leader? Eek. 23 00:00:59,500 --> 00:01:00,930 I think you'd be good at that, Forrest. 24 00:01:01,067 --> 00:01:02,627 I think you'd get a lot of followers. 25 00:01:02,733 --> 00:01:04,133 - Really? - Yeah. 26 00:01:04,233 --> 00:01:07,233 Huh, well would you like to join my cult? 27 00:01:07,333 --> 00:01:11,073 No. 28 00:01:11,100 --> 00:01:13,370 Okay. 29 00:01:13,467 --> 00:01:15,227 All right. 30 00:01:15,333 --> 00:01:17,333 (Forrest) Oh, there's old Chuck Manson. 31 00:01:17,433 --> 00:01:19,073 Always nice to see him. 32 00:01:19,167 --> 00:01:22,667 I really don't understand how these things work. 33 00:01:22,767 --> 00:01:24,627 It's really very simple. 34 00:01:24,733 --> 00:01:26,333 You find some vulnerable people, 35 00:01:26,433 --> 00:01:29,073 you isolate them, you exploit them for money, 36 00:01:29,133 --> 00:01:32,073 so on and so forth. Rivers of blood. 37 00:01:32,167 --> 00:01:34,127 Rivers of blood? Good Lord. 38 00:01:34,233 --> 00:01:37,533 Trust me, I have seen every cult documentary ever made. 39 00:01:37,633 --> 00:01:41,303 (Forrest voice-over) Lucille's dire assessment of cults was certainly overblown, 40 00:01:41,400 --> 00:01:43,400 but I did worry about the possible impact 41 00:01:43,500 --> 00:01:45,970 that this review could have on my family life. 42 00:01:46,067 --> 00:01:47,667 My girlfriend, Mrs. Greenfield, 43 00:01:47,767 --> 00:01:49,967 and I were happily living together with my father 44 00:01:50,067 --> 00:01:51,497 in his timeshare cottage, 45 00:01:51,600 --> 00:01:54,130 an arrangement made necessary after a fire 46 00:01:54,233 --> 00:01:56,133 had tragically destroyed his home. 47 00:01:56,233 --> 00:01:57,733 It's such a lovely home that you have here. 48 00:01:57,833 --> 00:01:59,333 - It is. - Uh-huh. 49 00:01:59,433 --> 00:02:01,203 If we can just keep Forrest out of the kitchen, 50 00:02:01,300 --> 00:02:02,430 we'll be fine. 51 00:02:02,533 --> 00:02:05,873 Oh, I see. Oh. [laughs] 52 00:02:05,967 --> 00:02:07,897 I get it, I get it, I get it. 53 00:02:08,067 --> 00:02:10,597 I burned down our other house, cooking a meal. 54 00:02:10,700 --> 00:02:13,370 Yeah. Yeah. 55 00:02:13,467 --> 00:02:15,867 I feel like a walk. Okay. 56 00:02:15,967 --> 00:02:17,067 (Forrest voice-over) That night, as Mrs. Greenfield and I 57 00:02:17,100 --> 00:02:18,800 expressed our growing love, 58 00:02:18,900 --> 00:02:21,970 I puzzled over a message to base my cult on. 59 00:02:22,067 --> 00:02:24,097 And I found it in the stars. 60 00:02:24,200 --> 00:02:26,070 Do you see those five stars up there 61 00:02:26,100 --> 00:02:28,100 in the shape of a letter M? 62 00:02:28,200 --> 00:02:29,830 That's Cassiopeia. 63 00:02:29,933 --> 00:02:31,803 Yeah, that's shaped like a W. 64 00:02:31,900 --> 00:02:35,200 No, it's an M, like MacNeil. 65 00:02:35,300 --> 00:02:38,330 I feel like those stars are shining right at us. 66 00:02:38,433 --> 00:02:39,873 It's making me feel like... 67 00:02:39,967 --> 00:02:43,797 we can lead a five-star life. 68 00:02:43,900 --> 00:02:46,530 Wow, that's really-- that's big stuff. 69 00:02:46,633 --> 00:02:49,703 (Forrest voice-over) And, just like that, I had my first follower. 70 00:02:49,800 --> 00:02:52,370 But a good cult needs more than two people. 71 00:02:52,467 --> 00:02:53,797 We're out here today just talking to people 72 00:02:53,900 --> 00:02:55,800 about leading a five-star life. 73 00:02:55,900 --> 00:02:58,430 (Forrest voice-over) I set out in search of lost, sad people. 74 00:02:58,533 --> 00:03:01,073 You can lead a five-star life. It's possible. 75 00:03:01,100 --> 00:03:03,170 (Forrest voice-over) And several of them were willing to be found. 76 00:03:03,267 --> 00:03:05,667 Guys, I think we're really on the first steps 77 00:03:05,767 --> 00:03:08,867 of an exciting and important journey of self-discovery. 78 00:03:08,967 --> 00:03:11,397 (Forrest voice-over) In truth, there wasn't much to my message, 79 00:03:11,500 --> 00:03:12,800 but there didn't need to be. 80 00:03:12,900 --> 00:03:16,430 * One star is better than half * 81 00:03:16,533 --> 00:03:20,133 * Two stars better than one * One star's better than half 82 00:03:20,233 --> 00:03:21,803 (Forrest voice-over) I had offered a sense of belonging, 83 00:03:21,900 --> 00:03:23,100 and that was enough. 84 00:03:23,200 --> 00:03:25,230 * 85 00:03:25,333 --> 00:03:27,673 (Forrest voice-over) This cult was a purely fun and positive experience. 86 00:03:27,767 --> 00:03:29,497 And over the next couple of weeks, 87 00:03:29,600 --> 00:03:31,830 we attracted more and more followers. 88 00:03:31,933 --> 00:03:33,233 I trust you, you trust me. 89 00:03:33,333 --> 00:03:36,303 One, two, three, four, five-- ah! 90 00:03:36,400 --> 00:03:38,600 [laughs] 91 00:03:38,700 --> 00:03:40,570 (Forrest) What a great feeling! 92 00:03:40,667 --> 00:03:42,497 What do you say, Dad? That's pretty cool, right? 93 00:03:42,600 --> 00:03:43,630 (Forrest) Yeah, you can put me down. 94 00:03:43,733 --> 00:03:45,603 These are great, aren't they? 95 00:03:45,700 --> 00:03:47,500 (Forrest voice-over) As the days passed and my little community 96 00:03:47,600 --> 00:03:49,900 came to feel more and more like a family, 97 00:03:50,067 --> 00:03:52,797 I decided our utopia was missing someone. 98 00:03:52,900 --> 00:03:54,070 Hey, Dad. 99 00:03:54,167 --> 00:03:56,227 I have a really exciting idea, okay? 100 00:03:56,333 --> 00:03:57,803 You seem pretty lonely in here, 101 00:03:57,900 --> 00:04:00,330 and something pretty exciting is going on 102 00:04:00,433 --> 00:04:02,403 just across the road over there. 103 00:04:02,500 --> 00:04:04,070 Uh... 104 00:04:04,133 --> 00:04:08,333 Dad, don't you want to lead a five-star life? 105 00:04:08,433 --> 00:04:12,433 Yeah, um...I am worried. 106 00:04:12,533 --> 00:04:16,433 You know, worried is not the right word. 107 00:04:16,533 --> 00:04:19,603 I'm wondering... 108 00:04:19,700 --> 00:04:21,530 slash worried that this might turn out 109 00:04:21,633 --> 00:04:27,073 like the model-airplane club sophomore year. 110 00:04:27,167 --> 00:04:29,197 This isn't gonna be anything like that, Dad. 111 00:04:29,300 --> 00:04:32,370 For one thing, my followers love me out there. 112 00:04:32,467 --> 00:04:34,727 (Forrest voice-over) It was a low blow for my father to bring up 113 00:04:34,833 --> 00:04:37,773 my disastrous leadership of Model Airplane Club. 114 00:04:37,867 --> 00:04:39,767 Now I was determined to prove to him 115 00:04:39,867 --> 00:04:42,567 that I could lead a cult as well as anyone. 116 00:04:45,333 --> 00:04:46,873 I began following the wisdom 117 00:04:46,967 --> 00:04:50,067 of cult leaders who had succeeded before me. 118 00:04:50,133 --> 00:04:52,603 First, I granted myself the extraordinary power 119 00:04:52,700 --> 00:04:55,470 of absolving the sins of my followers. 120 00:04:55,567 --> 00:04:58,067 Who else has a burden to unleash? 121 00:04:58,133 --> 00:05:00,603 I stole money from the pension fund at work. 122 00:05:00,700 --> 00:05:02,930 The stars absolve you! 123 00:05:03,067 --> 00:05:05,867 (all) One, two, three, four, five! 124 00:05:05,967 --> 00:05:08,627 I cheated on my husband with a total stranger. 125 00:05:08,733 --> 00:05:10,933 The stars definitely absolve you. 126 00:05:11,067 --> 00:05:14,097 (all) One, two, three, four, five! 127 00:05:14,200 --> 00:05:15,730 I hit a homeless man with my car, 128 00:05:15,833 --> 00:05:17,233 and I just kept driving. 129 00:05:17,333 --> 00:05:20,433 - Seriously? - Yeah, I did. 130 00:05:20,533 --> 00:05:23,073 The stars absolve you! 131 00:05:23,100 --> 00:05:25,930 (all) One, two, three, four, five! 132 00:05:26,067 --> 00:05:28,497 My children, I have taken your sins 133 00:05:28,600 --> 00:05:30,670 and transgressions and crimes, 134 00:05:30,767 --> 00:05:32,567 and I have banished them into the deep, 135 00:05:32,667 --> 00:05:34,267 dark void of space. 136 00:05:34,367 --> 00:05:37,067 - We are free! - [cheers and applause] 137 00:05:37,100 --> 00:05:40,600 (Forrest voice-over) Then, to keep everyone focused on me and being more like me, 138 00:05:40,700 --> 00:05:42,400 I instituted a new uniform. 139 00:05:42,500 --> 00:05:44,430 - Here. - We have a new uniform! 140 00:05:44,533 --> 00:05:45,773 (Forrest voice-over) And a reward system. 141 00:05:45,867 --> 00:05:47,667 As you earn each level, 142 00:05:47,767 --> 00:05:49,727 you will get a new piece of clothing. 143 00:05:49,833 --> 00:05:52,373 The first level of achievement is shirts. 144 00:05:52,467 --> 00:05:54,197 Th second level is pants. 145 00:05:54,300 --> 00:05:56,170 Let's hope you get to that one soon. 146 00:05:56,267 --> 00:06:00,167 The third level is jacket. The fourth level is tie. 147 00:06:00,267 --> 00:06:04,567 And level five--the glasses of enhanced sight. 148 00:06:04,667 --> 00:06:06,497 (Forrest voice-over) And it was all working beautifully. 149 00:06:06,600 --> 00:06:08,670 (Forrest) Congratulations. You've attained Shirt Level. 150 00:06:08,767 --> 00:06:10,297 (Forrest voice-over) Two months into our time together, 151 00:06:10,400 --> 00:06:12,500 the members of my rapidly growing family 152 00:06:12,600 --> 00:06:15,130 were beginning to treat me like a messiah. 153 00:06:15,233 --> 00:06:16,533 [applause] 154 00:06:16,633 --> 00:06:18,333 And I liked being a messiah. 155 00:06:18,433 --> 00:06:20,633 Cosmic Father, this is all I have in the world, 156 00:06:20,733 --> 00:06:23,133 made out to you in a cashier's check. 157 00:06:23,233 --> 00:06:25,073 - Congratulations. - Yes, indeed. 158 00:06:25,100 --> 00:06:28,200 Cosmic Father, it's my father's old watch. 159 00:06:28,300 --> 00:06:29,670 You're my father now. 160 00:06:29,767 --> 00:06:33,067 - One, two three-- (all) Four, five. 161 00:06:33,133 --> 00:06:34,803 Rachel? 162 00:06:34,900 --> 00:06:37,200 You haven't surrendered your assets to the movement yet. 163 00:06:37,300 --> 00:06:40,170 I just don't think I can, Cosmic Father. 164 00:06:40,267 --> 00:06:41,867 Well, I would hate for anyone to find out 165 00:06:41,967 --> 00:06:45,627 about the man that you hit with your car. 166 00:06:45,733 --> 00:06:47,373 A cashier's check will be just fine. 167 00:06:47,467 --> 00:06:50,267 (all) One, two, three, four, five. 168 00:06:54,167 --> 00:06:55,727 (Forrest voice-over) As time progressed, my leadership of the cult 169 00:06:55,833 --> 00:06:58,803 was going well--far better than Model Airplane Club, 170 00:06:58,900 --> 00:07:00,600 even on its best days. 171 00:07:00,700 --> 00:07:03,900 The Universe has brought us an H3T Hummer. 172 00:07:04,067 --> 00:07:07,267 It's got a 5.3 liter V8 engine, so it really hauls ass. 173 00:07:07,367 --> 00:07:09,797 And it's ours! [laughs] 174 00:07:09,900 --> 00:07:11,200 I will keep the keys. 175 00:07:11,300 --> 00:07:13,930 - One, two, three-- (all) Four, five. 176 00:07:14,067 --> 00:07:16,727 (Forrest voice-over) And yet, there were problems. 177 00:07:16,833 --> 00:07:20,073 There are a few followers who are thinking about leaving. 178 00:07:20,133 --> 00:07:22,373 What? Thinking about leaving? 179 00:07:22,467 --> 00:07:24,197 (Mrs. Greenfield) Yes, they've been speaking about it amongst themselves, 180 00:07:24,300 --> 00:07:26,200 - and they confided in me-- - How shall we punish them? 181 00:07:26,300 --> 00:07:28,200 No, no, no, no. We need to engage them 182 00:07:28,300 --> 00:07:30,100 and help them move forward. 183 00:07:30,200 --> 00:07:31,770 It might be easier to punish them. 184 00:07:31,867 --> 00:07:33,227 Perhaps we could dig a ditch. 185 00:07:33,333 --> 00:07:35,073 - Okay, well-- - Do you have a better idea? 186 00:07:35,133 --> 00:07:36,973 Maybe a special project. 187 00:07:37,067 --> 00:07:38,397 That's what I did when I had 188 00:07:38,500 --> 00:07:40,630 special needs children in my classes. 189 00:07:40,733 --> 00:07:43,703 I will ruminate on special projects 190 00:07:43,800 --> 00:07:46,100 to engage the followers. 191 00:07:46,200 --> 00:07:47,370 (Forrest voice-over) My beautiful Mrs. Greenfield 192 00:07:47,467 --> 00:07:49,467 had provided me with wise counsel. 193 00:07:49,567 --> 00:07:51,167 We needed a new goal. 194 00:07:51,267 --> 00:07:55,197 This is why, my friends, we must build a great space ark 195 00:07:55,300 --> 00:07:58,170 to conduct us into the stars! 196 00:07:58,267 --> 00:08:00,097 - A space ark? - A space ark! 197 00:08:00,200 --> 00:08:01,730 Yes, indeed, my friends! 198 00:08:01,833 --> 00:08:04,603 It may take years to build it, but when it is complete 199 00:08:04,700 --> 00:08:07,170 we shall leave this dying planet 200 00:08:07,267 --> 00:08:10,697 and we shall make the stars our destination! 201 00:08:10,800 --> 00:08:13,770 Ha ha ha! Yes, yes! 202 00:08:13,867 --> 00:08:15,497 - Mrs. Greenfield. - Yes? 203 00:08:15,600 --> 00:08:17,070 Why don't you head up this project? 204 00:08:17,167 --> 00:08:18,697 Will you organize it and do all the work? 205 00:08:18,800 --> 00:08:20,270 Absolutely. 206 00:08:20,367 --> 00:08:22,397 (Forrest voice-over) This idea was obviously absurd, 207 00:08:22,500 --> 00:08:24,330 but busy people are happy people. 208 00:08:24,433 --> 00:08:25,603 Let's gather together. 209 00:08:25,700 --> 00:08:27,200 Does anyone know how to get to space? 210 00:08:27,300 --> 00:08:28,770 (Forrest voice-over) And Mrs. Greenfield, 211 00:08:28,867 --> 00:08:31,267 who had left her job as a teacher to be with me-- 212 00:08:31,367 --> 00:08:33,167 Was truly in her element. 213 00:08:33,267 --> 00:08:35,367 But my difficulties were not all behind me. 214 00:08:35,467 --> 00:08:36,927 I'm really energized now. 215 00:08:37,067 --> 00:08:38,327 (Forrest voice-over) It has been said that power 216 00:08:38,433 --> 00:08:40,073 is the ultimate aphrodisiac. 217 00:08:40,167 --> 00:08:43,397 Many of my female followers would need more than a space ark 218 00:08:43,500 --> 00:08:45,330 to keep them invested in my movement. 219 00:08:45,433 --> 00:08:47,333 Yes, my child. 220 00:08:47,433 --> 00:08:49,503 (Forrest voice-over) I am not proud of what I had to do next. 221 00:08:49,600 --> 00:08:52,670 Being a cult leader had clearly gone to my head. 222 00:08:52,767 --> 00:08:56,397 You're welcome, Devon. It was my pleasure. 223 00:08:56,500 --> 00:08:59,570 Sorry, I'm not really sure how to feel about this, 224 00:08:59,667 --> 00:09:02,527 - Cosmic Father. - Feel about what? 225 00:09:02,633 --> 00:09:05,403 You fellating so many other women. 226 00:09:05,500 --> 00:09:08,070 (Forrest voice-over) I encouraged Mrs. Greenfield to channel any feelings 227 00:09:08,100 --> 00:09:09,570 of jealousy into the special project 228 00:09:09,667 --> 00:09:11,067 that I had entrusted her with. 229 00:09:11,167 --> 00:09:12,967 I'm making a real sacrifice here, you know? 230 00:09:13,067 --> 00:09:14,797 These girls would leave if I didn't show them some attention. 231 00:09:14,900 --> 00:09:16,070 - Uh-huh. - Try to put yourself 232 00:09:16,100 --> 00:09:18,370 in my place, okay? 233 00:09:18,467 --> 00:09:21,167 I will, Cosmic Father. 234 00:09:21,267 --> 00:09:24,467 (Forrest voice-over) This was, in retrospect, a colossal mistake, 235 00:09:24,567 --> 00:09:26,867 as I learned one week later. 236 00:09:26,967 --> 00:09:28,867 [gun shots] - Whoo! 237 00:09:28,967 --> 00:09:30,627 [gun shots] - Hey, hey, hey! 238 00:09:30,733 --> 00:09:33,333 Hey, hey, hey! What are you doing? 239 00:09:33,433 --> 00:09:34,503 What is happening right now? 240 00:09:34,600 --> 00:09:36,130 [gun shot] - Whoo! 241 00:09:36,233 --> 00:09:38,833 This ATM will help us finance the space ark, huh? 242 00:09:38,933 --> 00:09:40,533 Wait a minute, wait a minute. 243 00:09:40,633 --> 00:09:42,633 Hey, hey, Mrs. Greenfield, where did you get that gun? 244 00:09:42,733 --> 00:09:44,073 I got it at Walmart. 245 00:09:44,133 --> 00:09:45,833 [gun shots] - Oh, God--no! 246 00:09:45,933 --> 00:09:47,403 - Whoo! - Absolutely not! 247 00:09:47,500 --> 00:09:49,370 Absolutely no guns! I forbid it. 248 00:09:49,467 --> 00:09:51,667 - No, you can't do that. - What do you mean? 249 00:09:51,767 --> 00:09:54,497 Well, you're fifth level and, as you can see, 250 00:09:54,600 --> 00:09:55,800 I am sixth level. 251 00:09:55,900 --> 00:09:57,730 - This is my movement-- - Not anymore. 252 00:09:57,833 --> 00:09:59,403 What do you mean, "not anymore?" 253 00:09:59,500 --> 00:10:01,470 - Well, I'm above you. - There is no sixth level! 254 00:10:01,567 --> 00:10:03,227 You can't go higher than six. 255 00:10:03,333 --> 00:10:06,333 There's five levels! Come on, guys. 256 00:10:06,433 --> 00:10:07,403 Hey, let's get a bonfire going, and we'll do some dancing. 257 00:10:07,500 --> 00:10:08,970 - Come on. - No, no, no. 258 00:10:09,067 --> 00:10:12,497 She's sixth level, and you're fifth level. 259 00:10:12,600 --> 00:10:14,700 Holy [bleep], she's-- she's right. 260 00:10:14,800 --> 00:10:16,470 - Six is better than five. - Six is greater than five. 261 00:10:16,567 --> 00:10:17,667 - One, two, three-- 262 00:10:17,767 --> 00:10:19,997 all: Four, five, six! 263 00:10:20,100 --> 00:10:23,030 Come on. 264 00:10:23,133 --> 00:10:25,733 - I think you should go. - No. No, no. 265 00:10:25,833 --> 00:10:27,903 - You are outcast. (Rachel) Outcast! 266 00:10:28,000 --> 00:10:29,470 No. I--I get that you're kicking me out of the cult, 267 00:10:29,567 --> 00:10:30,467 but are you and I still gonna be? 268 00:10:30,567 --> 00:10:32,027 No. No! 269 00:10:32,133 --> 00:10:33,633 - Outcast. all: Outcast! 270 00:10:33,733 --> 00:10:35,633 - Make way for the outcast. all: Outcast! 271 00:10:35,733 --> 00:10:36,833 - No! - I have a gun. 272 00:10:36,933 --> 00:10:39,073 all: Outcast! Outcast! 273 00:10:39,167 --> 00:10:40,797 - Begone! all: Outcast! 274 00:10:40,900 --> 00:10:42,970 I was gonna get a volleyball net! 275 00:10:43,067 --> 00:10:44,367 all: Outcast! - That's a good idea. 276 00:10:44,467 --> 00:10:45,797 We're gonna get a volleyball net. 277 00:10:45,900 --> 00:10:48,070 - I love that. - One, two, three, four... 278 00:10:48,167 --> 00:10:50,397 (Forrest voice-over) I am happy to say that Lucille's predictions 279 00:10:50,500 --> 00:10:52,700 of bloodshed did not come to pass, 280 00:10:52,800 --> 00:10:55,770 but the emotional trauma of losing my new family 281 00:10:55,867 --> 00:10:58,367 and my girlfriend was pretty bad. 282 00:10:58,467 --> 00:11:00,667 I had forgotten the first rule of leadership-- 283 00:11:00,767 --> 00:11:03,497 know when and where to delegate. 284 00:11:03,600 --> 00:11:06,770 I had also forgotten the first rule of cults-- 285 00:11:06,867 --> 00:11:08,527 never delegate. 286 00:11:08,633 --> 00:11:12,533 - Just like Model Airplane Club? - Yeah. 287 00:11:15,733 --> 00:11:17,433 It was uplifting to briefly 288 00:11:17,533 --> 00:11:19,933 feel like I was making a difference in people's lives. 289 00:11:20,067 --> 00:11:21,867 Giving them a purpose and a space ark 290 00:11:21,967 --> 00:11:23,297 they didn't have before, 291 00:11:23,400 --> 00:11:24,970 but it hurt to have that joy 292 00:11:25,067 --> 00:11:26,967 ripped out of my hands and by a woman 293 00:11:27,067 --> 00:11:29,627 I loved and trusted, no less. 294 00:11:29,733 --> 00:11:31,533 Perhaps the real lesson here is that 295 00:11:31,633 --> 00:11:34,103 not all who are lost should be found. 296 00:11:34,200 --> 00:11:38,300 Being a cult leader, two stars. 297 00:11:38,400 --> 00:11:40,770 One, two. 298 00:11:40,867 --> 00:11:43,797 - I guess that's it. - Yup. 299 00:11:47,100 --> 00:11:50,430 [triumphant music] 300 00:11:50,533 --> 00:11:53,773 It's time for a new review. A.J., what'll it be? 301 00:11:53,867 --> 00:11:55,597 It's from @kickitorlickit. 302 00:11:55,700 --> 00:11:58,100 What's it like to have a perfect body? 303 00:11:58,200 --> 00:12:02,070 304 00:12:02,167 --> 00:12:03,897 Well, I--I think I understand 305 00:12:04,067 --> 00:12:05,227 the first part of that, anyway. 306 00:12:05,333 --> 00:12:08,203 What's it like to have a perfect body? 307 00:12:08,300 --> 00:12:11,100 As a reminder, Forrest is allowed to veto 308 00:12:11,200 --> 00:12:13,500 two reviews this season. 309 00:12:13,600 --> 00:12:16,630 [triumphant music] 310 00:12:16,733 --> 00:12:18,433 Yes, that is true, 311 00:12:18,533 --> 00:12:20,073 but this is not going to be one of them. 312 00:12:20,100 --> 00:12:21,330 I see what you're saying, and I take it 313 00:12:21,433 --> 00:12:22,773 as a personal challenge. 314 00:12:22,867 --> 00:12:26,327 I am off to achieve physical perfection. 315 00:12:26,433 --> 00:12:28,233 [laughs] 316 00:12:28,333 --> 00:12:29,773 (Forrest, voice-over) The perfect body-- 317 00:12:29,867 --> 00:12:32,127 this was surely a subjective judgement, 318 00:12:32,233 --> 00:12:35,273 but by any standard, I did not have one. 319 00:12:35,367 --> 00:12:37,727 Oh, hi, Grant. 320 00:12:37,833 --> 00:12:39,603 Hi, Forrest. 321 00:12:43,700 --> 00:12:46,070 I thought the door was locked. 322 00:12:46,167 --> 00:12:48,167 Nope. 323 00:12:50,333 --> 00:12:52,773 (Forrest, voice-over) I started by joining a spiffy downtown gym, 324 00:12:52,867 --> 00:12:54,767 but I did not like working out. 325 00:12:54,867 --> 00:12:56,627 It was boring, and it hurt. 326 00:12:56,733 --> 00:12:59,073 Plus, being surrounded by all those mirrors 327 00:12:59,100 --> 00:13:01,800 made me focus on my many flaws. 328 00:13:01,900 --> 00:13:04,400 Look at these teeth. 329 00:13:04,500 --> 00:13:07,500 Do you see what I see? 330 00:13:07,600 --> 00:13:11,100 (Forrest, voice-over) A simple dental prosthetic took care of that problem, 331 00:13:11,200 --> 00:13:15,200 but it wasn't long before I found another one. 332 00:13:15,300 --> 00:13:17,700 My teeth were now perfectly white, 333 00:13:17,800 --> 00:13:20,630 but my skin was too white. 334 00:13:22,233 --> 00:13:25,803 Fortunately, tanning salons are easy to find. 335 00:13:25,900 --> 00:13:29,800 My journey to perfection was well under way. 336 00:13:32,067 --> 00:13:34,727 But the cult that was living on my dad's timeshare property 337 00:13:34,833 --> 00:13:37,933 had gotten into the habit of playing drums around a bonfire 338 00:13:38,067 --> 00:13:39,427 late into the night, 339 00:13:39,533 --> 00:13:41,803 and it was interfering with my beauty sleep. 340 00:13:41,900 --> 00:13:44,370 What the [bleep] is going on here? 341 00:13:44,467 --> 00:13:45,727 Stay right where you are, Outcast. 342 00:13:45,833 --> 00:13:47,103 We will not be moved! 343 00:13:47,200 --> 00:13:48,770 - Yeah, that's fine-- - One, two- 344 00:13:48,867 --> 00:13:50,627 all: Three, four, five, six! 345 00:13:50,733 --> 00:13:52,573 Okay, that's fine. That's fine. 346 00:13:52,667 --> 00:13:54,267 I'm just really stopping by to ask if you could please keep 347 00:13:54,367 --> 00:13:56,067 it down a little bit at night? 348 00:13:56,167 --> 00:13:58,127 You know, with the drumming? You could be a little quieter. 349 00:13:58,233 --> 00:14:00,133 What happened to your face? 350 00:14:00,233 --> 00:14:02,633 Oh, I'm trying to have the perfect body. 351 00:14:02,733 --> 00:14:04,803 Uh, well, that's not what it looks like. 352 00:14:04,900 --> 00:14:06,670 It looks like you're an orange beaver. 353 00:14:06,767 --> 00:14:08,767 Oh, Mrs. Greenfield. 354 00:14:08,867 --> 00:14:10,927 Let's not play these little games. 355 00:14:11,067 --> 00:14:12,767 Okay, remove the non-believer. 356 00:14:12,867 --> 00:14:14,097 - I want him off the property! - All right! 357 00:14:14,200 --> 00:14:15,730 - All right, all right. - Get him! 358 00:14:15,833 --> 00:14:17,273 (Forrest, voice-over) My rapidly improving appearance 359 00:14:17,367 --> 00:14:19,697 was clearly making Mrs. Greenfield jealous, 360 00:14:19,800 --> 00:14:22,070 and that gave me all the encouragement 361 00:14:22,100 --> 00:14:23,100 I needed to keep going. 362 00:14:23,200 --> 00:14:24,500 all: Four, five, six! 363 00:14:24,600 --> 00:14:27,430 One, two, three. 364 00:14:27,533 --> 00:14:29,533 (Forrest, voice-over) Being perfect from the neck up 365 00:14:29,633 --> 00:14:31,273 didn't make it any less of a nuisance 366 00:14:31,367 --> 00:14:33,227 to become perfect from the neck down. 367 00:14:33,333 --> 00:14:36,303 I knew there had to be an easier way. 368 00:14:37,767 --> 00:14:41,227 We just lay the implant in under the skin-- 369 00:14:41,333 --> 00:14:42,533 instant six pack. 370 00:14:42,633 --> 00:14:43,903 Can I do it with other muscles, too? 371 00:14:44,067 --> 00:14:45,767 Like, with my arms and my legs? 372 00:14:45,867 --> 00:14:47,867 Why not? And listen to this-- 373 00:14:47,967 --> 00:14:49,867 I'm having a special on phalloplasty this month. 374 00:14:49,967 --> 00:14:52,367 Really? What is that? 375 00:14:52,467 --> 00:14:57,197 That means I can give you a really big penis. 376 00:14:57,300 --> 00:14:58,770 How big are we talking about? 377 00:14:58,867 --> 00:15:00,227 (Forrest, voice-over) Dr. Pirbal seemed to have 378 00:15:00,333 --> 00:15:02,073 a magical shortcut to perfection. 379 00:15:02,100 --> 00:15:04,930 I opted to get the full package. 380 00:15:06,600 --> 00:15:09,430 Thanks to 40 pounds of silicone muscle implants, 381 00:15:09,533 --> 00:15:11,233 and my new gigantic penis... - Wow. 382 00:15:11,333 --> 00:15:13,973 I was now a walking work of art. 383 00:15:14,067 --> 00:15:15,667 And others were taking notice. 384 00:15:15,767 --> 00:15:17,067 Hello, Forrest. 385 00:15:17,167 --> 00:15:19,567 Jesus [bleep] Christ. 386 00:15:19,667 --> 00:15:22,967 Hey. What do you say? Pretty good, right? 387 00:15:23,067 --> 00:15:28,297 Well, it's, uh-- 388 00:15:28,400 --> 00:15:29,570 the penis is all right. 389 00:15:29,667 --> 00:15:31,067 I like what you did with that. 390 00:15:31,167 --> 00:15:33,327 Thank you. 391 00:15:33,433 --> 00:15:35,073 You look good, 392 00:15:35,100 --> 00:15:37,130 but we're not looking for a good body. 393 00:15:37,233 --> 00:15:39,073 We're looking for a perfect body. 394 00:15:39,167 --> 00:15:41,367 A perfect body means symmetry. 395 00:15:41,467 --> 00:15:43,397 You've got a long way to go. 396 00:15:45,100 --> 00:15:46,300 (Forrest, voice-over) Grant had a point. 397 00:15:46,400 --> 00:15:48,730 My penis did turn out well. 398 00:15:48,833 --> 00:15:50,333 I thought I was done. 399 00:15:50,433 --> 00:15:51,873 (Forrest, voice-over) But making my body perfect 400 00:15:51,967 --> 00:15:57,397 would require more work. 401 00:15:57,500 --> 00:15:59,070 (Forrest, voice-over) My new implants certainly made me 402 00:15:59,100 --> 00:16:01,330 appear to be in better shape, but the added weight 403 00:16:01,433 --> 00:16:02,673 of these artificial muscles 404 00:16:02,767 --> 00:16:05,527 made exercise extremely challenging. 405 00:16:05,633 --> 00:16:08,173 I needed help, and I found it in the form 406 00:16:08,267 --> 00:16:11,167 of highly illegal steroid injections. 407 00:16:11,267 --> 00:16:12,797 [growls] 408 00:16:12,900 --> 00:16:14,070 (Forrest, voice-over) After a few weeks of dosing, 409 00:16:14,133 --> 00:16:16,073 I was noticeably stronger. 410 00:16:16,133 --> 00:16:19,633 I was also consumed with rage all of the time. 411 00:16:19,733 --> 00:16:21,733 Hey, I want that. 412 00:16:21,833 --> 00:16:24,073 I want that one, too! 413 00:16:24,167 --> 00:16:26,527 Yeah! 414 00:16:26,633 --> 00:16:30,473 I wanted it and I took it! 415 00:16:30,567 --> 00:16:33,497 Dad, I put my protein shake down someplace, 416 00:16:33,600 --> 00:16:35,170 and now I can't find it! 417 00:16:35,267 --> 00:16:37,797 Listen, I'm sorry, but I told your friends 418 00:16:37,900 --> 00:16:39,730 that they were making a little too much noise-- 419 00:16:39,833 --> 00:16:41,473 Those aren't my friends anymore, Dad. 420 00:16:41,567 --> 00:16:44,397 I don't need friends. I'm perfect. 421 00:16:44,500 --> 00:16:46,070 They just drummed louder, you know? 422 00:16:46,167 --> 00:16:49,427 So I--I called the police to file a noise complaint. 423 00:16:49,533 --> 00:16:50,533 The police? 424 00:16:50,633 --> 00:16:51,933 Dad, the police are weaklings. 425 00:16:52,067 --> 00:16:53,367 They can't do anything. 426 00:16:53,467 --> 00:16:54,867 Watch this. 427 00:16:54,967 --> 00:16:57,427 [growls] 428 00:16:57,533 --> 00:17:00,873 I have already told you to be quiet! 429 00:17:00,967 --> 00:17:03,597 (Forrest, voice-over) Artificially elevated levels of testosterone 430 00:17:03,700 --> 00:17:05,970 may be useful for short-term muscle gain, 431 00:17:06,067 --> 00:17:08,267 but not for conflict resolution. 432 00:17:08,367 --> 00:17:12,367 [yells] This is ending now! 433 00:17:12,467 --> 00:17:14,067 One, two, three, four, five, six. 434 00:17:14,100 --> 00:17:16,770 Evict the outcast! Evict him. 435 00:17:16,867 --> 00:17:20,127 I have achieved perfection in body and mind! 436 00:17:20,233 --> 00:17:23,703 - I am the ultimate man! all: Five, six. 437 00:17:23,800 --> 00:17:26,430 I will destroy everything you have built, 438 00:17:26,533 --> 00:17:29,133 starting with this stupid tambourines! 439 00:17:29,233 --> 00:17:31,533 - And the these stupid drums! - Hey! Hey! Not the bongos. 440 00:17:31,633 --> 00:17:34,373 This flag used to stand for something beautiful! 441 00:17:34,467 --> 00:17:37,667 I want you off my dad's property! 442 00:17:37,767 --> 00:17:40,767 Would you please just stop? Stop this! 443 00:17:40,867 --> 00:17:42,897 (Forrest, voice-over) As I rampaged against my ex-girlfriend 444 00:17:43,067 --> 00:17:44,827 and her heavily armed followers, 445 00:17:44,933 --> 00:17:46,433 the police my dad called arrived on the scene. 446 00:17:46,533 --> 00:17:48,703 Drop it now! Drop it! 447 00:17:48,800 --> 00:17:51,870 (Forrest, voice-over) They were joined by members of the FBI cult squad. 448 00:17:51,967 --> 00:17:55,267 As they pulled out their guns on Mrs. Greenfield's militia, 449 00:17:55,367 --> 00:17:58,497 I pulled out the last weapon I had at my disposal. 450 00:17:58,600 --> 00:18:02,800 Look upon my works and despair! 451 00:18:02,900 --> 00:18:05,400 - Oh--Oh, God! - Put down the weapon! 452 00:18:05,500 --> 00:18:08,100 Oh God, oh God, oh God. 453 00:18:08,200 --> 00:18:12,100 (Forrest, voice-over) I do not know who fired first, or how the horrible chaos began. 454 00:18:12,200 --> 00:18:16,470 But clearly, I had to get out of there--and fast. 455 00:18:16,567 --> 00:18:17,667 - What are you doing? - All right, all right, 456 00:18:17,767 --> 00:18:21,897 all right, all right-- Oh God! 457 00:18:22,067 --> 00:18:26,867 - I can't find my-- - No! No! No! Ahh! 458 00:18:31,600 --> 00:18:37,070 Protect the space ark! Protect the space ark! 459 00:18:37,100 --> 00:18:38,430 (Officer) Drop it now! Drop it! 460 00:18:38,533 --> 00:18:41,673 Officer! Don't shoot the orange Hulk! 461 00:18:41,767 --> 00:18:43,327 He's a good boy! 462 00:18:43,433 --> 00:18:46,073 Oh, God. Oh God, oh God! 463 00:18:51,833 --> 00:18:54,233 (Father) He's really sweet! - Dad! 464 00:18:54,333 --> 00:18:56,633 Forrest, I love you! 465 00:18:56,733 --> 00:18:59,773 (Officer) Down! Drop the gun! 466 00:18:59,867 --> 00:19:03,067 - Dad! - Oh!! 467 00:19:03,100 --> 00:19:04,870 - Dad! - Put down the weapon! 468 00:19:04,967 --> 00:19:07,767 Die, monsters, die! 469 00:19:11,067 --> 00:19:14,897 Oh, no! God, no! Oh! We got to get out of here. 470 00:19:15,067 --> 00:19:16,527 - What? - Don't look. Don't look. 471 00:19:16,633 --> 00:19:18,903 - They blew up what? - Don't look at the house. 472 00:19:19,067 --> 00:19:20,797 - Don't look at--why? - Don't look at it. 473 00:19:20,900 --> 00:19:23,070 Ahh! No! 474 00:19:23,100 --> 00:19:24,900 - Not again! - We got to go! 475 00:19:25,067 --> 00:19:26,627 (Forrest, voice-over) All this time later, 476 00:19:26,733 --> 00:19:29,073 I'm still coming to terms with the horror 477 00:19:29,133 --> 00:19:31,303 of what happened in that field. 478 00:19:31,400 --> 00:19:33,670 How did my quest for the perfect body 479 00:19:33,767 --> 00:19:36,897 cost so many other people their bodies? 480 00:19:37,067 --> 00:19:38,467 It is, by far, 481 00:19:38,567 --> 00:19:39,827 the most terrible experience 482 00:19:39,933 --> 00:19:42,433 this show has subjected me to. 483 00:19:42,533 --> 00:19:44,573 As you can see, 484 00:19:44,667 --> 00:19:47,427 I have discarded the implants and the fake tan 485 00:19:47,533 --> 00:19:50,403 that caused so much horror. 486 00:19:50,500 --> 00:19:52,370 I'm incredibly lucky to be alive, 487 00:19:52,467 --> 00:19:54,727 and my father is also lucky to have only been shot 488 00:19:54,833 --> 00:19:58,073 in the leg, and to have had his second and final home 489 00:19:58,133 --> 00:19:59,373 burned to the ground. 490 00:19:59,467 --> 00:20:01,897 It could have been much, much worse. 491 00:20:02,000 --> 00:20:05,470 Which brings me to Mrs. Greenfield, 492 00:20:05,567 --> 00:20:09,097 who, I'm very sorry to report, 493 00:20:09,200 --> 00:20:12,600 died in a hail of police bullets. 494 00:20:12,700 --> 00:20:15,530 She came out here to become a star, 495 00:20:15,633 --> 00:20:19,373 and now she dances among them. 496 00:20:19,467 --> 00:20:21,867 Considering how little time she had left, 497 00:20:21,967 --> 00:20:24,897 I'm grateful that she found the courage 498 00:20:25,000 --> 00:20:28,300 to follow her dreams. 499 00:20:28,400 --> 00:20:31,470 Getting the perfect body, 500 00:20:31,567 --> 00:20:33,427 half a star. 501 00:20:36,567 --> 00:20:40,927 So you didn't even keep your new, uh? 502 00:20:41,033 --> 00:20:43,103 No, I did not keep my enormous penis, 503 00:20:43,200 --> 00:20:45,200 and I would rather not say why. 504 00:20:45,300 --> 00:20:48,500 I think your audience deserves to know that, Forrest. 505 00:20:48,600 --> 00:20:50,500 [sighs] 506 00:20:50,600 --> 00:20:52,700 My penis was so large 507 00:20:52,800 --> 00:20:54,970 that, whenever I achieved an erection, 508 00:20:55,067 --> 00:20:58,467 I passed out from the lack of blood flow to my brain. 509 00:21:00,167 --> 00:21:02,527 That's all the time we have for Review. 510 00:21:02,633 --> 00:21:04,773 Please join us next time. 511 00:21:13,333 --> 00:21:16,073 All me! All me! All me! All me! 512 00:21:16,133 --> 00:21:17,903 All me! All me! Help. 513 00:21:18,067 --> 00:21:20,067 Help. Help. Help. Help. Help. Help. 514 00:21:20,133 --> 00:21:22,073 Help. [grunts] 515 00:21:22,167 --> 00:21:23,867 Why the [bleep] did you help me? 516 00:21:23,967 --> 00:21:24,867 - Because you-- - Why did you help me?